They say, “Write what your heart tells you to write.” Well here goes nothing I guess. I’ve been thinking about him lately. All this while, it’s been about him. How he made forget I ever failed in my previous relationships, and not be affected by the past. I don’t know how he does it really, or maybe it’s just really in my mind this whole time. That this whole entire time, I could have easily forgotten how I was cheated on, bet on and betrayed. I didn’t think there will be any problems of how my feelings developed for him. Perhaps, I was too hasty to want him so badly because he just simply makes me happy. And for the first time, I’ve never felt like this. Is it really just a sway of emotions?
This talk of relationship advises has been getting to my nerves for the past 3 years that I’ve been single. You know, when they tell you to wait patiently for the right guy to come along, or that you have to play hard to get. They all seem pretty normal statements to me, which I think anyone is capable of doing so. I guess I’m overthinking again – afraid to get hurt again. It’s so much risk and the last time I decided to give my all, the whole relationship just crashed.
And I don’t think I deserve someone like him; he’s funny, he’s kind, he’s a gentleman, and etc. He’s very considerate that he’ll tell me when he’s busy and he makes time to talk to me. He’s such a genuine person. I don’t deserve someone like that to be honest. He should be with someone who is kind, and funny and interesting. I’m nowhere near that. Maybe I’m just really insecure and my self esteem just went down. Maybe it was his way of telling me the type of girls he likes and I’m not close to his list. Maybe it’s also when I have to stop talking about us because he doesn’t want anything serious. It’s all clear to me, right under my nose and I kept denying it.
I don’t even want some random to come into my life anymore, because I’m investing everything for him. It’s too much. I give too much like I always do and I end up being broken. Sometimes, I wonder how it feels like being taken care of, or even being loved. It has never happened to me before, it certainly won’t happen now.
A really cool fact, in all my relationships, I was never given any gifts because I never wanted any (that’s cool too). We never celebrated Valentine’s Day or anniversaries or monthly whatever. I’ve always been the nice girlfriend who never demands anything from a guy except his time and attention. Maybe it was never enough. It was never enough that I was oblivious to everything else. Maybe I was never enough that he had to cheat on me. That he had to tell me I was his rebound through a text message. That it was never a relationship. That I’m too nice and he wants a bad girl. That I’m too emotional, moody, cranky and over dramatic. That I wasn’t wild enough to have a drink (well good news for ya buddy, I started drinking when you broke up with me when you told me I wasn’t pretty enough). I was blinded by their sweet nothings and their persona – that whole facade of the perfect guy I thought. The dates I spent with them consisted of hanging out with other friends, his other friends. And I’m the girlfriend in the corner as he socialize. We never took pictures together, they were once my wallpaper, and I wasn’t. It wasn’t all trashy, I mean my relationships lasted more than a year. It was just plain because I never expected anything.
I’m really just ranting random stuff right now, and if you’re reading this which I hope not, since I gave you the link weeks ago… I don’t know. You’re there, I’m here. I really don’t know what to say now. I just really like you. Heh.