In Secret, In Happiness, In Truth

Hi, I’m a boy and my best friend is a girl
Platonic friendships can go way back
And you’re right, I did fall in love with her
The kind of love that never wants to let her go
The kind that wants her happy whatever happens
She will never know how I truly feel
I choose not to, it’s true
This is a cowardice move
But I will never let her fall for someone like me
Not ever, she deserves someone better
Someone like you
Protect her, that’s all I ask
Keep her safe, be there for her when she needs you
Be there to tell her she’s beautiful even at her worst mornings
Hug her when she feels cold, or when she wearing short sleeves
Tell her how amazing she is at singing even though you know how horrible it is
Let her know she’s done a good job coming back from work
I’ve known her since we were little
She’s one tenacious lady, especially for whom she loves
That’s you. Do whatever it takes to never let go of such a beautiful person

Hi, I’m a girl and my best friend is a boy
He’s pretty amazing to me, we grew up together
I’ve made up my mind that he will never be mine
And I’m happy where I am right now
The way he looked at you, was the same I had for him
Perhaps it’s just another Love, Rosie reference
Perhaps not, because this never broke my heart
For what is worth, it made my heart stronger
He knew how much I loved him
He never seems to, but he will always forever remain
Keep him company when he needs somebody
When he’s sad he will never tell you
But be a shoulder for him to cry on
Tell him that he has a beautiful heart
Tell him he smells great even on mornings where his breath stinks
He loves surprises give him as much of that
He’s on amazing guy and he’s now with you an amazing girl
Don’t let him go, be clingy however you want to be
He loves that. Even more so, he loves you.

Uncertain

It was a cold, eerie night, she needed the warmth of his embrace
The ones that she kept she dreaming of, it wasn’t a just a phase
She needed protection from the nightmares that haunt her
That soon she will be left alone and broken, all that was done to her

He gave what he could to make her happy, to make her smile
Nothing was to separate them, not even a mile
Evidently falling for each other, it was rather unrequited
She was so sure of him, but he didn’t show that he was, not quite

When I Was A Little Girl

When I was a little girl,
I dreamed of becoming a princess,
That one day I will make a difference when I rule as queen.
That I will be loyal to my prince charming.
And soon time passed and I grew,
I don’t need to be a princess to make an impact.
But I certainly want to be loyal to my prince charming.

When I was a little girl,
I played with dolls who had beautiful big blue eyes,
I wanted to be this beautiful,
With soft hair flowing down, my dolls were pretty.
And soon time passed and I grew,
I don’t need to be like the dolls to be beautiful,
I was confident that I’m beautiful to anyone’s eyes,
Showing grace as I walk pass the faces.

When I was a little girl,
I wanted to be tough, like the superheroes I read.
The ones that save lives and the ones give hope
Heroes are tough and stong.
And soon time passed and I grew,
I grew to be tough when hard times hit.
I saved lived because I showed love and courage.
Standing up for what was right, I don’t need any credit.

I Don’t Really Know

They say, “Write what your heart tells you to write.” Well here goes nothing I guess. I’ve been thinking about him lately. All this while, it’s been about him. How he made forget I ever failed in my previous relationships, and not be affected by the past. I don’t know how he does it really, or maybe it’s just really in my mind this whole time. That this whole entire time, I could have easily forgotten how I was cheated on, bet on and betrayed. I didn’t think there will be any problems of how my feelings developed for him. Perhaps, I was too hasty to want him so badly because he just simply makes me happy. And for the first time, I’ve never felt like this. Is it really just a sway of emotions?

This talk of relationship advises has been getting to my nerves for the past 3 years that I’ve been single. You know, when they tell you to wait patiently for the right guy to come along, or that you have to play hard to get. They all seem pretty normal statements to me, which I think anyone is capable of doing so. I guess I’m overthinking again – afraid to get hurt again. It’s so much risk and the last time I decided to give my all, the whole relationship just crashed.

And I don’t think I deserve someone like him; he’s funny, he’s kind, he’s a gentleman, and etc. He’s very considerate that he’ll tell me when he’s busy and he makes time to talk to me. He’s such a genuine person. I don’t deserve someone like that to be honest. He should be with someone who is kind, and funny and interesting. I’m nowhere near that. Maybe I’m just really insecure and my self esteem just went down. Maybe it was his way of telling me the type of girls he likes and I’m not close to his list. Maybe it’s also when I have to stop talking about us because he doesn’t want anything serious. It’s all clear to me, right under my nose and I kept denying it.

I don’t even want some random to come into my life anymore, because I’m investing everything for him. It’s too much. I give too much like I always do and I end up being broken. Sometimes, I wonder how it feels like being taken care of, or even being loved. It has never happened to me before, it certainly won’t happen now.

A really cool fact, in all my relationships, I was never given any gifts because I never wanted any (that’s cool too). We never celebrated Valentine’s Day or anniversaries or monthly whatever. I’ve always been the nice girlfriend who never demands anything from a guy except his time and attention. Maybe it was never enough. It was never enough that I was oblivious to everything else. Maybe I was never enough that he had to cheat on me. That he had to tell me I was his rebound through a text message. That it was never a relationship. That I’m too nice and he wants a bad girl. That I’m too emotional, moody, cranky and over dramatic. That I wasn’t wild enough to have a drink (well good news for ya buddy, I started drinking when you broke up with me when you told me I wasn’t pretty enough). I was blinded by their sweet nothings and their persona – that whole facade of the perfect guy I thought. The dates I spent with them consisted of hanging out with other friends, his other friends. And I’m the girlfriend in the corner as he socialize. We never took pictures together, they were once my wallpaper, and I wasn’t. It wasn’t all trashy, I mean my relationships lasted more than a year. It was just plain because I never expected anything.

I’m really just ranting random stuff right now, and if you’re reading this which I hope not, since I gave you the link weeks ago… I don’t know. You’re there, I’m here. I really don’t know what to say now. I just really like you. Heh.

Camaraderie: The Type of Friends You Have in Your 20s

At 23 years old, I’ve come to classify the type of friends I meet that are a lot different from when I was 15. Not that it matters to classify them, but they’re the friends I’d love to spend the rest of my life with. I’ve yet to meet new friends but here the ones I’ve made so far.

  1. The Accomplished

    The Accomplished ones are those who made their own successes, whether it was their glo up or simply their successes. You could be jealous stricken, but you’re just as happy as them. They’re the friends that will motivate and inspire you to not be afraid of you are and what you’ll become.

    But they can also push your buttons with all their pep talk on what you could have achieved if you did better at something.

  2. The Accomplice

    It’s not a terrible crime to have them around, but they’re your friends if you need an escape. Gone were those days where you want to lie to your parents to get to a party at 16. These accomplices are the ones who’ll help get you through your bosses or you other friends.

    Harmless crimes is what they are for, but don’t overboard that you’ll wound up in jail.

  3. The Colleague

    “It’s just business.”

    They’re different when they’re in their natural habitat. You see them go by in the office every working day. They’re fun to be with. Great teammates in fact. When it comes to getting work done, you bet they’re the ones you can rely on easily. Need help with the report? Or even finding the cheapest place to eat out during lunch breaks? That’s them. You need them.

    But they will never show who they really are, when they’re outside their office doors. If you even come as close to know their birth date, you’re only in the shallow waters.

  4. The Childhood Friend that Popped Up Out of Nowhere

    It’s that familiar face, that familiar name. Chances of meeting your childhood friends are limited, but with social media, they might already have added or followed you. They’ll slide into your DMs and ask how you’re doing, about life and what you’ve been up to. You get a couple drinks with them and you eat out. Next thing you know, you’re fast friends. Reminiscing the times when you were all young and naive.

    But, they’re never the same as they were before. People grow, and who they were as a child, may never be them now. Same goes to you.

  5. The One You could be Secretly in Love with

    Admit it, you never knew this was coming. In fact, you were unsure of it before, how could you be so sure of it now? The friend zone, that is the only place you think you’ll ever be but never hoped. You hoped that one day they’ll break up with their significant other to be with. They give you butterflies in your stomach when you see them. You compose yourself in front of them so that they’ll never notice you’re already falling.

    But you’re happy to leave it to friendship, afraid to lose them. You’d rather keep that love in secret and remain the best kind of friend they’ll ever have.

On Paperback Notebooks

I stopped writing lately since I’ve rarely nothing to contemplate about. Perhaps, this might be a good time to really sink in to that brain and squeeze as much juice as I could. Writing has always been a huge part of me since I was young, when I learned how to read and write of course. But it’s been my only escape since then too.

When I was 5 years old, I would write Apology letters to my parents for every time I did something wrong. I’d slip them under the door at night while my parents were asleep in the master bedroom. Making sure that when I got up in the morning, there would be that big hug waiting for me. Unfortunately, those letters became a gateway to more scolding. One time after I slipped a letter, my dad was awake and he picked it up and opened the door. I ran back to my bedroom, pretending to sleep. He turned on the lights and shouted at me, telling me that I should never apologize through a letter but go up to them and confess. Since then, I stopped writing those letters, and I never confessed upfront what I did wrong. I knew then how to get in behind their backs and live my own life.

At 9 years old, I started to keep diaries, journals as some would call them. There, I wrote my deepest thoughts and began exploring poetry, from Tagalog poetry to Haiku. I was so proud of them that each time I write, I’d show it to everyone close to me. They were immensely impressed by my ability to write flawlessly. Of course not until it got to my grandfather, the greatest critic of them all, judging from the vocabulary to the grammar. He advised me that whatever I write should come from my heart and even if it’s from other people’s experiences, it should demonstrate what I learned from my perspective. I have that thought to this day. Rest in Peace Grandpa Max.

I was 15 years old when I wrote individual hand written letters to my dear friends. Friends that I grew up with and those that have impacted my life largely. At first, it was going to be a short and sweet letter, but as I kept thanking them, it got to 3 full pages. I was tearing up and my excitement giving it to them was even more overwhelming. I don’t expect them to give anything back to me, because ultimately I just wanted them to know that they’ve always been my blessing.

When I was 18, I gave one of my notebooks to my then boyfriend, Denmar. That notebook was precious to me because, it was only filled with songs. I learned to write songs from him, I learned to love funk and jazz from him. I gave it to him for proof read because he knew how much writing meant to me. The songs expressed the deepest emotions I’ve felt that I never got to put to words in poetry or in normal narrative. I did it anyway and I gave it to him. Where is it now exactly? When I found that he cheated on me I asked for it back, but he said he lost them. Until most recently, his little brother had been singing them in his album; ‘Written by Denmar…’ Should I have not given it to him? I have never spoken to him neither do I want to, the book is gone and so it a part of me.

Today, I stopped writing on notebooks, no more letters, just this blog. I’m trying to invest my time here since everything has gone digital. But nothing beats the paper and pen, where the paper gets wet, the ink stains your shirt or the fact that you can tell how many mistakes you’ve done while writing. I will get back to it one day.

Never Mind

I have regrets, I have things to do and I have things to say.
But none of them matter as compared to what happened today.
Never mind the fact that he got away.
Or the fact that I was the reason he became that way.

It was a bag of bullshit that came out of me.
And this is why I should never be free.
Free of what? Free of how exactly I want to be.
I’m that kind of girl they’ll catch easily.