Uncertain

It was a cold, eerie night, she needed the warmth of his embrace
The ones that she kept she dreaming of, it wasn’t a just a phase
She needed protection from the nightmares that haunt her
That soon she will be left alone and broken, all that was done to her

He gave what he could to make her happy, to make her smile
Nothing was to separate them, not even a mile
Evidently falling for each other, it was rather unrequited
She was so sure of him, but he didn’t show that he was, not quite

“You’re My Kind of Ugly.”

Those words were the most quirkiest thing I’ve ever heard.
I wondered by the numerous compliments, it was just appropriate.
For some reason, it never made me angry.
Knowing that it came from you, I was more than flattered.
I’d be deemed a fool from others for accepting.
But I’m in love. A fool in love nonetheless.
It hasn’t escaped my mind, neither have you.
Been longing for you for most days.
On my worst days, I wanted you’re warm embrace.
On my perfect days, I wanted you’re tender kiss.
But all that has got to wait for more than a hundred days.
Funny how this all began with a conversation.
On my parent’s anniversary even more so.
I believe that every decision will lead you to your fate.
But I never thought that this type of destiny was drawing near.
Blame me for being mad and crazy, but I’ve fallen completely for you.
It wasn’t just your ideals and your humour.
It was all that makes you.
In other words, you’re my kind of ugly too.

Camaraderie: The Type of Friends You Have in Your 20s

At 23 years old, I’ve come to classify the type of friends I meet that are a lot different from when I was 15. Not that it matters to classify them, but they’re the friends I’d love to spend the rest of my life with. I’ve yet to meet new friends but here the ones I’ve made so far.

  1. The Accomplished

    The Accomplished ones are those who made their own successes, whether it was their glo up or simply their successes. You could be jealous stricken, but you’re just as happy as them. They’re the friends that will motivate and inspire you to not be afraid of you are and what you’ll become.

    But they can also push your buttons with all their pep talk on what you could have achieved if you did better at something.

  2. The Accomplice

    It’s not a terrible crime to have them around, but they’re your friends if you need an escape. Gone were those days where you want to lie to your parents to get to a party at 16. These accomplices are the ones who’ll help get you through your bosses or you other friends.

    Harmless crimes is what they are for, but don’t overboard that you’ll wound up in jail.

  3. The Colleague

    “It’s just business.”

    They’re different when they’re in their natural habitat. You see them go by in the office every working day. They’re fun to be with. Great teammates in fact. When it comes to getting work done, you bet they’re the ones you can rely on easily. Need help with the report? Or even finding the cheapest place to eat out during lunch breaks? That’s them. You need them.

    But they will never show who they really are, when they’re outside their office doors. If you even come as close to know their birth date, you’re only in the shallow waters.

  4. The Childhood Friend that Popped Up Out of Nowhere

    It’s that familiar face, that familiar name. Chances of meeting your childhood friends are limited, but with social media, they might already have added or followed you. They’ll slide into your DMs and ask how you’re doing, about life and what you’ve been up to. You get a couple drinks with them and you eat out. Next thing you know, you’re fast friends. Reminiscing the times when you were all young and naive.

    But, they’re never the same as they were before. People grow, and who they were as a child, may never be them now. Same goes to you.

  5. The One You could be Secretly in Love with

    Admit it, you never knew this was coming. In fact, you were unsure of it before, how could you be so sure of it now? The friend zone, that is the only place you think you’ll ever be but never hoped. You hoped that one day they’ll break up with their significant other to be with. They give you butterflies in your stomach when you see them. You compose yourself in front of them so that they’ll never notice you’re already falling.

    But you’re happy to leave it to friendship, afraid to lose them. You’d rather keep that love in secret and remain the best kind of friend they’ll ever have.

Dear Hooman,

Let’s skip to the formalities,
Let’s skip to the part where it all went down.
Down to very detail I had to cut you lose.
It was for my own damn good.
I don’t think I hurt you, I never thought I did.
We were in it together, I just dived right in.
I had the most fun, and the most thrill.
We looked dead at each other in the eyes.
And now you’re gone, why?
Explain to me why it was so easy for you to let me go?
I have nothing to say other than, I asked for it.
I proposed that connotation,
But little did I know – it’s eating me up inside.
I just want to know, are you affected?
Did you feel them, and not admit them?
I’m puzzled.

Sincerely,
The girl you just happen to pass

On Paperback Notebooks

I stopped writing lately since I’ve rarely nothing to contemplate about. Perhaps, this might be a good time to really sink in to that brain and squeeze as much juice as I could. Writing has always been a huge part of me since I was young, when I learned how to read and write of course. But it’s been my only escape since then too.

When I was 5 years old, I would write Apology letters to my parents for every time I did something wrong. I’d slip them under the door at night while my parents were asleep in the master bedroom. Making sure that when I got up in the morning, there would be that big hug waiting for me. Unfortunately, those letters became a gateway to more scolding. One time after I slipped a letter, my dad was awake and he picked it up and opened the door. I ran back to my bedroom, pretending to sleep. He turned on the lights and shouted at me, telling me that I should never apologize through a letter but go up to them and confess. Since then, I stopped writing those letters, and I never confessed upfront what I did wrong. I knew then how to get in behind their backs and live my own life.

At 9 years old, I started to keep diaries, journals as some would call them. There, I wrote my deepest thoughts and began exploring poetry, from Tagalog poetry to Haiku. I was so proud of them that each time I write, I’d show it to everyone close to me. They were immensely impressed by my ability to write flawlessly. Of course not until it got to my grandfather, the greatest critic of them all, judging from the vocabulary to the grammar. He advised me that whatever I write should come from my heart and even if it’s from other people’s experiences, it should demonstrate what I learned from my perspective. I have that thought to this day. Rest in Peace Grandpa Max.

I was 15 years old when I wrote individual hand written letters to my dear friends. Friends that I grew up with and those that have impacted my life largely. At first, it was going to be a short and sweet letter, but as I kept thanking them, it got to 3 full pages. I was tearing up and my excitement giving it to them was even more overwhelming. I don’t expect them to give anything back to me, because ultimately I just wanted them to know that they’ve always been my blessing.

When I was 18, I gave one of my notebooks to my then boyfriend, Denmar. That notebook was precious to me because, it was only filled with songs. I learned to write songs from him, I learned to love funk and jazz from him. I gave it to him for proof read because he knew how much writing meant to me. The songs expressed the deepest emotions I’ve felt that I never got to put to words in poetry or in normal narrative. I did it anyway and I gave it to him. Where is it now exactly? When I found that he cheated on me I asked for it back, but he said he lost them. Until most recently, his little brother had been singing them in his album; ‘Written by Denmar…’ Should I have not given it to him? I have never spoken to him neither do I want to, the book is gone and so it a part of me.

Today, I stopped writing on notebooks, no more letters, just this blog. I’m trying to invest my time here since everything has gone digital. But nothing beats the paper and pen, where the paper gets wet, the ink stains your shirt or the fact that you can tell how many mistakes you’ve done while writing. I will get back to it one day.

Never Mind

I have regrets, I have things to do and I have things to say.
But none of them matter as compared to what happened today.
Never mind the fact that he got away.
Or the fact that I was the reason he became that way.

It was a bag of bullshit that came out of me.
And this is why I should never be free.
Free of what? Free of how exactly I want to be.
I’m that kind of girl they’ll catch easily.